Friday, March 25, 2011

New goals @ 3/25/2011 11:49:00 PM

After a good long night talk with all my snrs, jnrs and friends. I realised lots of important stuff. Actually, i was very wrong. I took it too hard, i jus hav to enjoy every moment make it a fun one. Frm today onwards, i am gonna give myself 2 weeks to boost my confidence. This time i will really try hard and make sure i really do it. I hav been complaining too much and nvr seem to appreciate the ppl around me. Today shall be a brand new start for me. What i do is for myself, not for the sake of others. What i am doing is for my own dreams and i am not doing this becos of anyone. For once i will do it for myself, nvr will it be for others. :) i think 2moro would be a brand new day, brand new start, it isn't too late to start now isn't it? I am jus gonna make it work this time round. Show them who i really are and stop hiding myself and jus be me. No more embarrassment, i am not going to be a coward anymore. I am gonna start a new chpt in my life which i think it's going to benefit me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Confused feelings @ 3/21/2011 09:52:00 PM

I just realized love and hate could occur simultaneously. Just like how i love music and hates it sometime. Finally i get to fulfill my dreams since young and now i learn a new skill. Dream fulfilled and I am bruised all over. I didn't know i had to pay for such a high price for my dreams. I understand the reality AND cruelty in music. I learn to build up my confidence. Ironically, my confidence and self esteem are also being destroyed. 我不甘心也很不服气因为我付出了哪么多时间和努力换来的是伤害和失望。 This is making me very tired. REALLY tired. Everytime, i would tell myself "cherie, you hav walked so far alr, dun give up, it will get better seriously." But till now i did not see it getting better but it got worse instead. No matter what i do, ppl do not see it or see the importance. I AM EASILY REPLACED, UNIMPORTANT, tats what i get. Have i wasted my 3 yrs and dunno how many mths in CO? However, despite all these i am still very happy that i am able to find comfort in my sections esp. the seniors. I really LOVE them all. Er as for the jnrs, i also love them la but sometimes i really feel like beating them up. LOL Anyway, i am reaching the finishing line soon so i think i jus have to make the final dash for it make it a beautiful ending. Jus gonna let myself enjoy the last 1 month and ignore the unhappiness. Try to turn a blind eye to it. GANBATTE!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Depressed @ 3/19/2011 09:45:00 PM

I hate myself for being so worthless. I threw away my chance. Yeah good one. Why do i react this way? What's wrong with me? Cherie, fight back, take back, show them who u really are. I really wanted to.. Do i have any energy left? My last ounce of energy left, i have to use it wisely. I am reaching the finishing line and i have to make the last and final dash, i am not going to make myself regret. NO

Saturday, March 05, 2011

My life is SCREWED up @ 3/05/2011 02:30:00 PM

My life is officially screwed up. Failed 3 subjects, family problems blah blah blah. Everything is driving me crazy. My life is in a GREAT mess... I cannot stop worrying abt juniors, my bro and now EVEN my sis. Why oh why has things become this way. One of them make mistakes doesn't mean we would all do it. My brother's matter over, now is my sis. I am still very disappointed in my bro. My heart feels like its being ripped open. My scarifices are not worthwhile at all. Why must i be the one scarificing? I gave up so many things for him and this is wat i get. If time can change i would forced my parents to invest more on me and not him. Maybe i would force them EVEN with my life. My precious time... If only they dun care abt him and let me learn the piano when i requested when i was p4 i will not be wat i am now. I can be better. I really hate for bro for depriving me of my chance. I REALLY HATE HIM FOR IT. His studies were like SHIT anyway why waste so much money on him. So wat if his a guy. GIRLS CANNOT HAVE HIGHER EDUCATION MEH? Why must ur favor guys so much? I am better than him so why must i scarifice for him. Now he did such a thing, its ur fault u pamper him now he's like this. I feel so HURT and ANGRY. I had to give up my dreams for him and he did this to me. Yeah my life is screwed.
Now its my sis, my father keep asking me to talk to her. I talked to her alr. But what can i do if she dun wan to tell me things? Then she go running with her frens from 7am to 3pm haven come home. Then chat until very late at night using handphone. My heart hurts when i see my parents worry abt my sis and my bro. Why can't they jus GROW up. But sometimes i wonder, they were always so worried abt them, wat abt me do they care at all or they do not even have any energy to care abt me alr. I am always supposed to be the most imdependent one. I also want to rely on them. I really wish my mom would care more abt my work and not jus say studying is for ur own good, your studies good then good for you lor. I jus wan her to sort of say score better next time hor i must see improvements. My life is SCREWED.